A Sceptic’s Dictionary (Part Two)

By Johnny Fisher

Advertising: A tool for social indoctrination. Occasionally used to sell products.

Airfields: Where the self-styled élite keep their private jets on standby in case it all goes suddenly wrong for them.

Cabinet: A convocation of the talentless. Goodness knows who they all are. Ought to be Tommy Robinson (Prime Minister); Anne-Marie Waters (Home Secretary); Katie Hopkins (Foreign Secretary); Andrew Wakefield (Health Secretary); Norman Fenton (Chancellor of the Exchequer); Sam Melia (Immigration Minister); any Blade Runner (Minister for Transport); and Chris Packham (Minister for Rockall, role to be carried out in situ with no phone or computer because they’re bad for the environment).

Carbon Dioxide: A poisonous gas. Useful only for enabling the existence of all life on Earth.

Class war: A political drama in which people of all classes put aside their differences to declare war on globalism.

Climate scientist: Someone who will be going to prison in a few years’ time if they’re not very careful.

Cloudbuster: A fantasist who imagines that he affects the movement of clouds. Similar to progressives who imagine that globalists are influenced in the slightest degree by anything progressives say.

Cyclists: The ultimate oxymoron—badly dressed narcissists.

Democracy: Voting for something and then getting something entirely different that you didn’t ask for, and you don’t know anyone else who asked for it either.

Demographics: The detailed study of population change. Unhelpful to progressives who regard it as racist chicanery.

English Channel: A pontoon bridge of inflatable dinghies.

Far right!: A two-word argument used by progressives whenever the progressive hears something he doesn’t like but which he fears may be true.

General Election: A theatrical term. Refers to the process whereby, every few years, the entire cast of a play is replaced but the play continues exactly as before.

Imagine: A fatuous communist anthem written by a multi-millionaire. A whiny, droney, adenoidal noise that never quite goes away.

Johnson, Boris: A WEF stooge. Constructed by WEF elves entirely out of lard.

Ka-Ching!: The name of the next virus. Might as well be. Or ‘Wonga!’. Either way, we’ll be told, ‘Have you never heard of a coincidence? That’s hilarious!’

Liberal: Someone who believes that the best way to create a liberal state is to import millions of people who don’t want one.

Marianna Spring: Hard to tell. It might be a chipmunk.

Medieval Warm Period: A far-right conspiracy theory. Refers to a climate event that didn’t happen, even though it is plainly visible in the graph. The Little Ice Age didn’t happen either, even though it plainly did. The absurd projections (projections!) that show the planet heating up to boiling point in the next few years unless we destroy all farms, all cars, all aeroplanes and any other semblance of normal life and live in 15-minute prisons eating spiders and watching Netflix, however, those—those!—are apparently true.

Megan Rapinoe: Looks like an alien. Thought processes definitely not of this planet.

Meteorological Office: A political organisation based in Exeter.

Muddle: What a free society actually looks like, in which people have different opinions but are still able to get on with their lives. A mostly gentle state of affairs, to be distinguished from chaos, civil war and carnage, all of which are on their way.

Poets: They no longer exist. Certainly not the Poet Laureate. What use has he been the last few years?

Police officer: An office worker who emerges from behind his desk periodically to pepper spray Tommy Robinson for breathing.

Politics: A system whereby the most dishonest people in the country and the richest people in the country plot together against everyone else.

Purple hair: Trichological condition caused by brain leakage.

Stand-up comic: (Historic). Someone who told jokes. Now illegal unless the jokes are completely unfunny. Doesn’t just apply to professionals. You’re at a party and you think of a witty comment, but first you must go home and type a letter to the Centre for Social Indoctrination, applying for permission. Six months later you get a reply, saying your joke is being considered. Another six months and you get a letter giving you permission and you think, ‘That’s bad—it can’t have been much of a joke’. Even so, you go back to the party, but the party finished a year ago and strangers are living there. A man with several days’ stubble opens the door in his underpants and a string vest. You tell him the joke anyway, you might as well, and after a moment he invites you in to share a bath with him, but you don’t hear him because you’ve run down three flights of stairs and out across the car park straight into the traffic. And this—this!—is the future they want for our children.

Starmer, Keir: Another WEF stooge. Constructed by the same elves as Johnson, but out of wood.

Sunak, Rishi: Yet another WEF stooge (they all are). This one not constructed by elves, just purchased in a toyshop.

The Swedish Pixie: A small creature who fights bravely and alone against the establishment to save the world from the weather or sunshine or something, supported only by the globalist élite, all national governments, the international media and every single law enforcement agency in the world. Similar to Marianna Spring and her heroic solitary battle against conspiracy theorists.

Towpath: Ideal route for cyclists, especially on a really windy day.

Trans women: Still here, hanging around where they’re not wanted.

Universe: The only object in existence whose size comes close to a progressive’s sense of self-importance.

Vegan: Someone who hates plants. They kill them, mutilate them and then eat them. (I have checked, and they really do this).

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