A Sceptic’s Dictionary

By Johnny Fisher

Academia: Establishments for the recycling of Propaganda. See also, Publishing.

AI: Intelligence embodied in a machine. Often an actual robot, such as every recent British Prime Minister, starting with John Major. Possibly Bill Gates. Certainly FJ Biden and his Vice President. I can’t remember his Vice President’s name. Is it Potatohead?

Black Lab: (i) A breed of dog. (ii) The first line of Klaus Schwab’s home address.

BLM: A peaceful organisation that sets fire to buildings.

Books: A non-approved source of information, soon to be abolished. Their previous existence will then become another Conspiracy Theory (1).

Barcelona Declaration: A decision made by Europe in 1996 to destroy everything about Europe, except for the areas where the people live who made the decision.

Broadcasting House: A satanic hive.

Cash: A specific Conspiracy Theory (1) that claims that people were once able to live without their bank accounts being frozen by the state in punishment for the smallest infraction.

Celebrities (1): Famous people who want to give something back to society, but who expect us to do it for them.

Celebrities (2): An attractive functionary for the WEF. See Politician.

Conspiracy Theorists: Anyone who wonders what the hell is going on. The opposite of Drones.

Conspiracy Theory (1): Something that is well documented to have happened in the past, such as the Barcelona Declaration, but which the media never mentions.

Conspiracy Theory (2): A seemingly unlikely prediction that comes true. Happening a lot these days.

Conspiracy Theory (3): A two-word spell to stop people from thinking. Highly successful.

Dahl, Roald: Author of famous children’s books, such as The Person, Another Person, The Place, and Nothing to See Here. Also, Tales of the Quite Bland.

Deadly virus: A politically useful Virus.

Democracy: Something the Greeks did, but we don’t.

Doctors (1): (Historic). A group of Germans who sentenced children to be gassed in vans.

Doctors (2): Same as the historic usage, but now worldwide, using syringes instead.

Doctors (3): Salespeople employed by the Pharmaceutical industry.

Doctors (4): Shadowy figures who lurk in hospital wards with syringes full of Midazolam.

Doctors (5): Cowards.

Dogs, cats: Sentient creatures soon to be killed and replaced with bots. Or just killed.

Drones: Ordinary people who have been lobotomised by pixies. Pixies suck out their victims’ grey matter and spit it into the grass.

Dwarf: Someone who is the same size as everyone else, because everyone is equal. See Giant.

Earthquake: A punishment meted out by the USA.

Extinction Rebellion (1): A charity providing day-trips for mental patients.

Extinction Rebellion (2): A branch of the World Economic Forum.

Feminist: A woman who hates men, especially men who talk about their periods.

Giant: See Dwarf.

Man: See Woman.

Masks: A way of identifying the easiest people to cull. See also, Vaccine.

Media: TV and newspapers for Drones. A combination of fiction and trivia.

News: See Propaganda.

NHS: A euthanasia service. Like the place in Switzerland, but compulsory.

Nurse: Same as Doctor, but less well paid.

Oxford: A prison under construction in Oxfordshire. And everywhere else.

Pandemic: A soap opera broadcast on television in 2020. Drones thought it was real. Since then it has been shown several times, and will be repeated indefinitely until we learn to ignore it. See Pandemic.

Pharmaceutical industry: Same as the Mafia, just harder to spell.

Police: A private army of men and women who have evidently never read a history book in their lives. Shortly to be replaced by foreigners who have only ever read one book.

Politician: Politician: An unattractive functionary for the WEF. See Celebrity.

Propaganda: Absurdities that are accepted in their entirety by Drones.

Publishing: Same as Academia, but for the general public.

Refugees (1): (Historic). Women, children, old people, desperately fleeing a war.

Refugees (2): Fit, confident young men crossing the Channel in open boats in the middle of winter.

Science: (Historic). No one knows any more. Something to do with gravity.

Scientist: (Historic). Someone who did Science, whatever that was. Einstein was one. I think he directed films.

Scientific Method: A contemporary method of generating income. Research is conducted in such a way as to arrive at conclusions previously determined by the grant body.

Street clapping: Self-hypnosis.

Transhuman: A modified human, remotely controlled by Elon Musk.

Trans man: A modified woman who thinks she thinks like a man.

Trans woman: A naked man in a women’s changing room with a clearly unacceptable cover story that the authorities have nonetheless accepted.

Vaccine: A method of culling people. Vaccinated people have already been culled, but don’t realise it yet.

Virus: A bug that’s been around for millions of years without causing alarm. See also, Deadly Virus.

Woke: Fast asleep.

Woman: See Man.

World Economic Forum: A group of reptiles that escaped from their enclosure at London Zoo before the First World War, and which have been breeding ever since using asexual splitting (because even they find each other physically revolting).