A Sceptic’s Guide to the General Election

150: The number of Tory MPs who think we’ll forget about them if they slip away early.

Angela Rayner: Townie who trod in a cowpat as a child and wants to get her revenge by building a housing estate on every field in England.

BBC: An organisation run by people who were excluded from normal jobs because they took a personality test designed to detect empathy, modesty and sincerity, and returned such a low score that the examiner became upset and had to be sent home.

Carol Vorderman: Hates the Tories. Just them apparently. Another one who is supposed to be clever.

Causing offence: An efficiency test. If you’re not offending anyone, you’re probably not doing your bit.

Conscription: The latest thing to distract us from the Satanic destruction of the foundations of Christian civilisation.

Diane Abbott: Never fitted in at Cambridge University and has hated white people ever since. Would have been fine if she had only gone to the LSE.

Ed Davey: Or is it Ed Balls? Or are they the same person? I think they’re the same.

First Past the Post: Designed to discourage us from voting for good people.

Freedom of Speech: Putting your opponents in prison if they so much as open their mouths.

Globalist: Someone who believes that peace of mind in the last hour of their life is in the gift of Satan.

Globalism: Freedom for them, prison for us.

IQ: A statistic that has no meaning outside a classroom. I mean, just look at them.

Jeremy Hunt: A sharp-faced creature that has developed immunity to most poisons, hence his longevity.

Jess Phillips: Still there, incredibly.

John Redwood: Retiring. Remembered only for privatising stuff, which just made things worse.

Keir Starmer: Was refilling a vending machine in the Palace of Westminster in May 2015 and got mistaken for a politician. Hasn’t yet realised that’s what happened. Wonders why there are cameras everywhere he goes.

LGBT etc etc: I used to know this one. Is it something to do with public lavatories?

Lockdowns: A central discussion point in the election because lockdowns bankrupted the country, proved to the globalists that we were easily terrified and softened us up for Net Zero. And all the main parties supported them, so lots to think about there. Except the lockdowns didn’t actually happen, and anyone who remembers them has false memory syndrome and needs compulsory treatment from the NHS involving large quantities of Midazolam. See also many other things, including Rape Gangs.

Marianna Spring: Lady Haw-Haw (an unfortunate homonym).

Mass immigration: Doesn’t exist. Immigrants are just British people who haven’t arrived yet.

Non-voters: People who think doing nothing will bring all this to an end.

Oliver Dowden: No information about him exists.

Palace of Westminster: Ideal venue for putting every MP and every peer on trial for treason, plus their teams of advisers. Also the judges, police officers, TV presenters, newspaper columnists, pharmacology executives, doctors, nurses, civil servants, council officers, the border force, academics, teachers, actors, Common Purpose, Stonewall, Extinction Rebellion and anyone else we think of nearer the time. Offenders to be placed in shopping trollies, rushed up to Westminster Bridge and tipped over the parapet, preferably during a January snowstorm, with river traffic out of the way because we don’t want to damage their boats. Thousands of public-spirited citizens with BB-guns along the river banks all the way to the Isle of Dogs to stop them coming ashore, and a couple of weeks later they’ll start getting washed up on the coastline of Northern Germany, and some fat German in Speedos going down to the beach for a bracing swim will see a few bloated bodies on the sand and think Angela Merkel and her family are sunbathing.

Penny Mordaunt: Keeps popping up. I think she’s a shot putter.

Politics (1): An area of public life so vital that people of talent and good character are essential.

Politics (2): An area of public life in which the requirements for success are so disgusting that anyone genuinely qualified would rather eat their own face.

Racism: A historical term. The left are doing their best to revive it.

Rape gangs: Didn’t happen. Apparently two hundred thousand children just imagined it. See Lockdowns.

Rwanda: The solution to illegal immigration is not to just stop the boats. No, the solution is to talk bafflingly about a random country in Africa, while doing absolutely nothing. Occasionally an empty plane might go there from Heathrow. Or it might take a few people (never Rwandans) who then come back on the next flight. Useful word for Scrabble, though. Yes, it is Africa. I think it’s near the Congo, or that other one.

Rachel Reeves: Looks like she belongs in a tea shop in Harrogate, eating cake and reading Woman’s Own.

Rees-Mogg: A posh-bot who often sounds convincing, but has gone along with everything. And yet claims to be a Catholic.

Rishi Sunak: An American citizen who has been over here on holiday. He’s had a splendid time and has met some lovely people but is now looking forward to returning home.

Severely psychotic patients: People in secure units in mental hospitals, perched on chairs in institutional rooms, their arms wrapped round their knees, telling anyone who comes near them, ‘I’m the Chief Controller. I control the thoughts of everyone in the world. What you’re thinking right now—right now!—I decided it! Yes, I did … and what you’ve just said is very rude, but I wasn’t surprised you said it because I made you say that as well’. Then they escaped and started the World Economic Forum.

Sixteen-year-olds voting: Why stop there? Why not let twelve-year-olds vote? What about dogs? Or my budgerigar? He can make a mark on a piece of paper, admittedly not a very nice one, and he’s called Solomon and he can fly. Never seen a child fly, have you? Well, then.

Theresa May: Standing down, having achieved nothing in her life.

Voters (Green): People who use Peruvian bath salts made from llamas’ urine and then complain about the international freight industry.

Voters (Labour): People who hate the Tories for destroying the country and want the Labour Party to destroy it even more quickly instead.

Voters (LibDem): People who think you can never have too many rape gangs, children in masks or old people dying alone.

Voters (Heritage, Reform, independents): People who are absolutely sick to death of globalism and want it brought to an end.

Voters (Tory): People who think flagrant treason should be rewarded.

WEF members: Politicians who think a successful career consists in doing exactly as they’re told by people who plainly mean us harm.

Young voters: People who need to look around at the remains of Western civilisation and ask themselves whether they’re really happy to watch the rest of it disappear.

Share this article: