A Sceptic’s Who’s Who

By Johnny Fisher

Archbishop of Canterbury: An especially compliant politician.

Aristocracy: The richest people in the country, who for two hundred years became even richer by invading other people’s countries and taking their stuff. The rest of us helped them, which made us feel important for a while.

Armed Forces: Historic term. Not sure what it meant.

Bankers: See Satanists.

Boat people: Men who have been brought into the country across the Channel for unknown reasons. We’ll find out soon enough what those reasons are.

Bryan Magee: Philosopher and TV interviewer. View on YouTube to see how far we have fallen.

Celebrant: Someone who performs a wedding ceremony. Can be anyone these days, just like we can all write our own vows or get married on a beach in Magaluf. We’ve become children playing at weddings in the back garden.

Douglas Murray: A grown-up. Can be seen on television, being interrupted by Neverthinks.

Extinction Rebellion: People who want a safe future for their children and grand-children, and who think that scaring them completely witless, for reasons that make no sense at all, is the perfect way to begin.

Flatliners: People with even less brain activity than Neverthinks. They say things like, ‘But the BBC is internationally respected!’ and believe that without the vaccines the entire country would have died.

Footballer: What a cricketer becomes if he gives up cricket and plays football instead. Doesn’t become a trans-footballer, you notice.

Just Stop Oil: A sub-genre of zombie apocalypse fiction. In this version people are conditioned by evil puppet-masters to be afraid of sunshine, but not afraid of walking into the traffic. Generally a slow read, but may have a violent ending.

Katie Hopkins: A scary woman who has upset people by telling the truth, but has cheered up other people by doing the same thing.

Mahatma Gandhi (1): A small Indian who achieved independence for his country by taking off most of his clothes and shouting in the face of the Viceroy: ‘I won’t let you be happy, why should I? … yes, independence … yes, independence … yes, yes, yes, yes, yes…’ Then the British came home and made a film about him.*

Mahatma Gandhi (2): In a sequel to the original film Gandhi goes to the south of Spain to meet a man who is fatter than he used to be, and who is sitting by a pool dodging rocks that come down the hillside, for no obvious reason, and Gandhi says to him, ‘Would you like to come and do a bank robbery?’ and the man says, ‘No, I’d rather not, I’m enjoying being retired’, and Gandhi says, ‘Fair enough, peace and love, the universe is all one’. Very short film, a few minutes of Fatso by the pool and then a few seconds of him talking to Gandhi. They did a longer remake which was mostly swearing.

Mahatma Gandhi (3): A film directed by David Attenborough in which they don’t even mention independence but just yak on about the world being on fire, you’d think it would have burnt to a crisp by now, wouldn’t you, but it hasn’t because it isn’t, does this nonsense ever end? Gandhi III was a kind of homage to Richard Attenborough, David’s more talented brother.

Margaret Thatcher: And every subsequent Prime Minister, who allowed the teaching profession to degenerate into a closed shop for woke mask-fascists with pink hair, who sneak away on the slightest pretext to work from home.

Milo Yiannopolous: Vain, good-looking, ultra-gay man who terrorised the left a few years ago, and was then made to disappear. Has now returned as a vain, good-looking, straight man who is also a Catholic. The left might have preferred the more secular version, but time will tell, if there’s any left.

Neverthinks: People who have a flicker of intelligence but never use it. All their beliefs are decided for them by their group. So they never actually debate. Instead, they go ad hominem, repeat slogans, and interrupt ceaselessly because listening to anyone else is too painful to endure. And because if they ever changed their minds they’d have to find a new group.

Robespierre: French mass murderer. Started the Reign of Terror in revolutionary France, but in the end they guillotined him as well. Same thing coming here. At its height the guillotine had to be moved into the outskirts of Paris because the blood had begun to pollute the city’s water supply.

Peter Tatchell: A tall, thin individual who sounds rational until you listen to what he is actually saying.

Police: Men and women in uniforms they don’t deserve, who have been given special powers they didn’t need, in order to deal with Just Stop Oil. We will discover in due course who those powers are really for.

Politician: A term that used to mean someone the people elected in order to run the country. Now it means someone who appears out of nowhere in order to destroy the country.

Rainbow people: People who clutter up the street, waving rainbow flags, rainbows being the international symbol of darkness settling upon the earth. Especially the pale blue and pink colours, which they tell us are for trans people, but that’s not what those colours are traditionally used for, is it? A lot of gay and trans people are presumably unhappy about the soon-to-be-added new wing of the movement, in which case it might be time for them to say so.

Rishi Sunak: Appears to be running the UK, but you can see the strings in high-def.

Robert Winston: Scientist who gave a talk to the Alan Turing Institute in October 2020 in which he compared Covid to the Bubonic Plague. This is true. He actually did this.

Schoolchildren: Small humans who would be perfectly fine if they were left in peace, but who instead are daily tortured by adults working for the dark side. As a result children have been imprisoned in their homes, injected with heart-stopping drugs, told that they are boys when they are girls and vice versa, involving more drugs as well as scalpels, are shown inappropriate sex literature that can only be a form of grooming, listen to story-time read by men wearing lipstick, and are terrified when the sun comes up every morning in case the world explodes. See Margaret Thatcher.

Satancon: An actual Satanic conference, held in Boston earlier this year. Fully booked, fully vaxxed, fully masked. God help us.

Satanists: See Bankers.

Trans people: Intellectuals influenced by pre-EU German philosophical thinking, later popularised by the 1960s Chinese political zeitgeist, who have adopted the position that any conceptual difficulties or confusions inherent in their arguments can most effectively be addressed by punching women in the face.

* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lT7FOjnGw1Q

Basically, the entire film is about him inviting him to do the bank job, and refusing to take No for an answer. Quite a chilling film.