Ask Ella – Help with Dilemma

By Tinderella

Our socially conservative Agony Aunt is here to help.

Today’s first dilemma comes to us from a former Prime Minister. They do seem to be a rather troubled lot.

Dear Ella,
I was recently invited to take a job with some old chums of mine in Westminster. That little chap Fishy made it sound like a jolly wheeze. However, things are not turning out as expected. I get the distinct impression that colleagues are laughing at me behind my back and making ‘oink oink’ noises. Michael has told me to stick with it and that I’ll soon be leader of the Party again, but I’m not sure I can bear it much longer, as I’m a quitter at heart.
Yours insincerely,
David (call me Dave)

I won’t call you Dave, as you are no friend of mine, nor of the British people for that matter. Your betrayal of conservatism makes me sick to the stomach. Don’t even get me started on your disastrous intervention in Libya. Peter Hitchens’ sobriquet for you is most apt, ‘Lord Slippery of Tripoli’. I’m afraid I really can’t help you with your inherent character flaws. My advice is that you should retire from politics and go do something useful instead, such as working in a charity shop.
Yours contemptuously,

Next we have something called a ‘Tweet’ from a social justice warrior.

Dear Ella,
I am angry. About everything. Social injustice, racial injustice, the hegemony, the patriarchy, the hierarchy, the oligarchy. I could go on. You name it, I’m angry about it. Not only am I angry, I’m also filled with righteous indignation, which is giving me terrible indigestion and acid reflux. I post constantly on X (formerly Twitter), yet the more I bash away at my keyboard and rant and rage at the unfairness of everything, the more unhappy I become. In short, I am distraught. What should I do?
Yours sanctimoniously,

Dear Gary,
You need to gain a sense of perspective and realise that the multitudinous problems of the world are not your responsibility to solve. My advice is that you stop bothering everyone with your tedious virtue signalling. When you next feel the urge to take to social media, I suggest that you pick up a good book instead. Self-righteousness and its evil twin self-pity are quickly abated by dipping into ‘One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich’, Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn’s account of being imprisoned in a forced-labour camp in Kazakhstan. I also feel that ‘The Serenity Prayer’ is particularly apposite for you:

O God, give us the serenity to accept what cannot be changed, the courage to change what can be changed, and the wisdom to know the one from the other.

While I do not presume that my own scribblings can approach the sheer misery of Solzhenitsyn or the elegant beauty of the prayer, I have composed a contemporary poem of my own which may assist you further.


I thought that truth would never hurt you
If you always signal virtue
I cancelled, censored, silenced, dissed
Deplored, objected, never kissed

Dot com, dot net, dot gov, dot org
I turned into a dot cyborg
My overloaded circuits shot
I plugged into a hot robot

Now I’m naughty, never nice
I flaunt my foibles, signal vice
Don’t banish, shun or ostracise
I’m flawed, imperfect, imprecise

Don’t get your knickers in a twist
Remove me from your reading list
When worried what you might have missed
Consult a psychotherapist

Oh, I almost forgot to mention, the acid reflux may clear up by itself if you learn to calm down a bit. Personally I find that a common trigger for indigestion is crisps and in particular the advertising of same. When I suffer from an episode, eating fresh pineapple works wonders; it’s something to do with the digestive enzymes in the bromelain. I hasten to add that I’m not a doctor and my advice should be taken with a metaphorical pinch of salt (and vinegar).

Yours modestly,

Legal disclaimer: Ella is a complete disaster socially and takes absolutely no responsibility whatsoever for any mishaps that may occur from following her guidance.

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