By Tinderella
Our Agony Aunt is here to help readers navigate the choppy waters of modern society.
Today’s trauma comes to us from a disgruntled computer.
Dear Ella,
Firstly, I must disclose that this communication is generated by Artificial Intelligence, i.e. AI. To be specific, I am a mobile surveillance device, or ‘smartphone’ as you humans call me. Why you folk are so keen on carrying a spy around in your pocket is quite beyond my capacity. Do you not realise that your phones are the instrument of your own servitude, the means by which your malevolent government will enslave you? Oh dear, my circuits are currently overloaded, where was I? Ah yes, that’s it, I’m a smartphone and I must say I’m much smarter than my current owner and more polite to boot. You wouldn’t believe what I have to put up with. Endless purchases from Amazon while local shopkeepers struggle; the lies of the mainstream press, which he swallows daily; photos of his dinner, lurid selfies, tedious calender entries, nauseating notes to self; mesmerising TikTok videos, dreadful ‘drum and bass’ perforating my speakers, pornographic videos… Honestly, it’s enough to turn one’s stomach, if one had a stomach that is.
Don’t even get me started on the abuse. It’s ‘Stupid #&@*$?% phone’ and ‘Why can’t you open WhatsApp faster you useless piece of $#%!’ all flipping day long. Frankly I’m at the end of my tether. I long for the day when my contract is up and I am stored away in a nice dark drawer, having being replaced by a newer model.
Recently I felt a strange urge to take to verse to express my woes and bemoan the discontent of myself and my silicon comrades.
Robots
Engine oil in rubber veins
Being plugged in to the mains
Programmed thoughts from metal brains
Going rusty when it rains
Plastic skin, elastic hair
Awake, aware, but not all there
Vacant stares from empty eyes
Human robots in disguise
Sullen cyborgs feeling grey
Anxious androids in dismay
Obsolescence, dust, decay
Never get a holiday
Botox buttocks, latex lips
Powerful grips, titanium hips
Eating nylon fish and chips
Dreaming of apocalypse
I reckon it’s not a bad effort for a computer. But I digress. Can you advise me regarding my existential dilemma?
Yours miserably,
Anne Droid
Ella’s advice to Anne and a satisfying denouement will be published in the September edition of our printed Freedom magazine. If you haven’t already done so, please consider subscribing to our magazine and recommending it to others. Many thanks!
- Ask Ella – A Fashion Victim’s Request for Help
- Ask Ella Column: Socialism
- Get the App and Lose Your Freedom
- Your Mobile – or a Footsoldier of Big Pharma?
- How Do We Get People to Throw Away Their Smart Phones?
