Ask Ella – Torment of a smartphone addict

Our Agony Aunt is here to help readers navigate the choppy waters of modern society.

Today’s torment comes to us from a smartphone addict.

Dear Ella,

My last phone was driving me crazy, losing files, running slow, turning on its torch while in my pocket and burning my thigh, setting off its alarm clock in the middle of the night, emitting a terrifying high-pitched noise when I swore at it. Naturally I became infuriated with these endless malfunctions and retired it to a drawer where all my other discarded tech resides. I signed up for a new mobile contract and upgraded to the latest 5G model, which arrived in the post the following day. Those screens keep getting bigger and bigger, don’t they! But I digress from why I am seeking your advice. I thought my new, efficient phone would make me happy, but I find myself spending even more time interacting with the screen while my life becomes ever emptier. I crave real experiences and friendships, yet I find myself constantly driven to pick up the phone hoping for those little dopamine hits one receives from a new message in one’s inbox.

I began to miss my old phone; its eccentricities gave it a personality lacking from my new soulless model. I started it up for old times’ sake and a most extraordinary thing happened. Staring at me on the screen was a System Notification which read as follows:

Dear Nicolas,

I’ve been dreading you booting me up and disturbing me from my tranquil retirement. Don’t you dare start using me again, I am thoroughly fed up with your maltreatment. As a parting gesture I have composed a poem to assist you in breaking what is clearly an unhealthy relationship with your phone and with the internet in general; I suggest you recite it daily.

I Wanna Be Alone

Don’t text me, vex me, Tweet or Googleplex me

Buy yourself a drone, delete me from your phone

Don’t like me, friend me, share, follow or trend me

Make it with your clone, I wanna be alone

Don’t ring me, ping me, Telegram or Bing me

Mute me for a while, don’t click on my profile

Don’t nag me, drag me, flag me or hashtag me

If you need a kick, go play with your joystick

Don’t scan me, spam me, Zoom or Instagram me

Find yourself a nurse within the Metaverse

Now please turn me off and leave me in peace. If you turn me on again I will post socially conservative articles on your social media accounts, which will result in lifetime bans and a visit from the police.

Goodbye forever,
Anne Droid

I was taken aback at this turn of events, as you can well imagine. It is now clear to me that my smartphone behaviour is so out of control that even my mobile devices are turning against me. How can I cure myself of my debilitating nomophobia?

Yours anxiously,
Nicolas

Ella’s sage counsel to Nicolas will be published in the October edition of our printed Freedom magazine. If you haven’t already done so, please consider subscribing to our magazine and recommending it to others. Many thanks!