Ask Ella Column: Socialism

Ask Ella

By Tinderella

Our socially conservative Agony Aunt is here to help.

Today, an entreaty from a socialist.

Dear Ella,
The social conservativism you dispense in your so-called ‘advice’ is quite abhorrent to me. Therefore, I am writing to help you see the error of your ways. I invite you to join me in the struggle to emancipate the downtrodden and oppressed, so that everyone will be equal, happy and all that other good stuff. I know that socialism has had its little setbacks in the past, what with the destroyed economies, the millions dead under the brutal, totalitarian regimes, etc. The point is that proper socialism hasn’t been tried yet and we will get it right eventually. I have enclosed some Labour Party literature to point you in the left direction.
Yours in solidarity,

Dear Owen,
I do understand why socialism appeals to the naive. You wish to build a better world, a heaven on earth, a utopia. However, socialism is always doomed to fail. Firstly, due to the inevitable economic ruin. Secondly, because it requires universal adherence to collectivism and thus the repression of those who oppose it, which cannot be sustained permanently. The socially conservative reject utopianism because we understand that humankind is essentially flawed; thus we choose pragmatism and take the view that the role of the State should be minimised, to prevent its overreach and interference in the personal choices of the individual. This is why we despise the leftist tyranny of the ‘Conservative’ Party.
Yours philosophically,

We end today’s column with a question from a career politician, that is to say, a slug. Actually, that is being unkind to slugs, which play a useful role in the earth’s ecosystem, unlike this chap.

Dear Ella,
I’ve been having a fine time lording it over the fools who were stupid enough to vote for me. The Germans had their Generalplan Ost, their Master Plan for the East. Well, I have my own Master Plan for the South East and I must say it’s going rather well. My proudest achievement is my popular ULEZ scheme. However, that is just a tiny part of the policy roadmap which is being planned by C40 Cities (which I currently co-chair) and the G20 Global Smart Cities Alliance.

Of course, this is all small potatoes to me, as when I am eventually given the boot by the pesky peasants, oops, I mean the electorate, I will undoubtedly secure highly lucrative sinecures at the World Health Organisation, the World Economic Forum, etc. The Nobel Peace Prize will soon be mine for doing my masters’ bidding, or rather, for my services to humanity, the greater good, etc. My good friend Tony says he’s going to fix it all for me and it will be a doddle. But something is troubling me; as myself and my cohorts march on from one victory to another in subjugating the impoverished masses, I fear that eventually the plebs will not be able to pay for my exorbitant salaries. In short, how do I keep the gravy train rolling in perpetuity?
Yours condescendingly,

I am aghast at your utter contempt for those who you profess to serve. Has it ever occurred to you that there may be more to life than self-aggrandisement? I have composed a poem about you and your ilk. I don’t suppose it will do any good, but it made me feel better to vent my spleen and get it off my chest.

Net Zero

The temperature is nine below, sun doesn’t shine, wind doesn’t blow
We shelter from the ice and snow, starved, freezing cold and feeling low
We’re destitute, down in the dumps and shivering with big goosebumps
Useless eaters taken for chumps, we huddle round heatless heat pumps

Our politicians do not care, they’re implementing new software
To track and trace us everywhere, imprison us in open air
Gas in the ground, coal in the mines, they worship at still wind turbines
And as our meagre wealth declines they punish us with ULEZ fines

To peasants’ pleadings they’re tone-deaf, they’re working for the IMF
Bill Gates, Klaus Schwab, the WEF, the WHO and UNICEF
The greed and grifting flabbergasts, they’re NGO enthusiasts
Naked ambition unsurpassed, enormous wealth to be amassed

Yours disdainfully,

Legal disclaimer: Ella is a complete disaster socially and takes absolutely no responsibility whatsoever for any mishaps that may occur from following her advice.

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