Ask Ella – New Satirical Column

By Tinderella

Our socially conservative Agony Aunt is here to help.

Today’s first question comes to us from an egomaniac.

Dear Ella,
I think it’s fair to say that I am vertically challenged, which is a constant source of irritation to me. I would like to improve my standing on the world stage; in a nutshell, I wish to appear taller than that horrid French chap Micron. If I don’t improve my stature soon, I fear my stint as PM may be short-lived. What should I do?
Yours diminutively,
Dishy Rishi

I don’t think you are ‘Dishy’. Given your predilection for splurging public money and your general contempt for the wishes of the electorate, I think ‘Fishy’ is more appropriate. Deliberately wearing your trousers too short in an attempt to disguise your Lilliputian stature is clearly a sign of vanity and indeed narcissism. It does make one wonder what else you are trying to conceal. I suggest that you stop pretending to be a conservative and instead go work for your father-in-law at Infosys, which you will find a more suitable fit for your dubious talents. The resultant job satisfaction may help you come to terms with your little problem.
Yours scornfully,

Next we have a question from a former First Minister.

Dear Ella,
I recently had a lot of fun turning Scotland into a totalitarian dictatorship, under the pretext of a ‘deadly pandemic’. Oh how we laughed in Holyrood about how the gullible public fell for it and embraced their own subjugation. Unfortunately my dream of becoming omnipotent ruler of an independent State (controlled by the EU) has since gone badly awry and I now find myself out of office and at a bit of a loose end. I do love to read a good novel and was wondering if you might be able to suggest something appropriate?
Yours insufferably,

I fully agree with you that you should read voraciously to occupy your time. In the long-term interests of the Scottish people, the best thing for you to do is sit in the house (or luxury campervan if you prefer), read continuously and maintain a vow of silence. I suggest you start with ‘Crime and Punishment’ by Fyodor Dostoevsky, then work your way through all the Russian classics. That should keep you going for a while. Once you’ve finished them, please do contact me again and I’ll be delighted to suggest other lengthy tomes to keep you out of mischief.
Yours obligingly,

Our concluding dilemma comes to us from a distraught individual.

Dear Ella,
I’m constantly conflicted and the deceit is getting me down. I fear that my façade will crack and the electorate will see through me and realise what a fraud I am. I just need to keep up the pretence until the general election. Once I’m Prime Minister I’ll gleefully run roughshod over the voters’ wishes and create a socialist utopia. I’ve made a start on a poem about my inner struggle. Strictly speaking, the title should be EDI, but I feel that DIE is more poetic and indeed apt.

DIE (Diversity, Inclusion, Equality)

There’s nothing I won’t do for votes
I feign concern about small boats
I wring my hands and take the knee
And act in general smarmily

Equality is what I seek
Diversity, the four-day week
My government will mandate woke
At the expense of straight white folk

I’ll buy windmills and solar panels
Build bridges across stormy channels
I’ll ram inclusion down your throats
From Land’s End up to John o’ Groats

It’s good progressive stuff, but it needs another verse or two at the start; the sort of positive messaging I have to spout every day which is the source of my torment. If you could help me out and compose some seductive lines, Labour Party HQ will be able to use them in our election leaflets to fool the voters. Your assistance in this matter will see that a damehood is a shoo-in upon our glorious victory.
Yours duplicitously,

I suggest you abandon politics and join the theatre, where your acting skills will be in demand. I would dearly love to complete the poem and I have some apposite rhymes in mind. However, they are unprintable and I wish to spare my editor’s blushes. I live in terror of the possibility of you becoming PM and I really can’t bear to think about you for a moment longer. Kindly do not bother me further.

I have composed a poem of my own about the tyranny we currently live under, which will certainly become much worse if you are in charge.


All I said was get well soon
Did Apollo reach the moon?
Let’s meet up and get together
Not to worry about the weather

Cancelled by the BBC
Radio One and Two and Three
Channel Four and ITV
Silenced ‘cos I disagree

Got myself a lifetime ban
Said the wrong thing about a man
Police put me in the can
Sent me for a memory scan

Hounded by the powers that be
Censored by the bourgeoisie
Interrogated third degree
Found that freedom isn’t free

Yours perspicaciously,

Legal disclaimer: Ella is a complete disaster socially and takes absolutely no responsibility whatsoever for any mishaps that may occur from following her advice.

An ‘Ask Ella’ column will also appear in our new printed publication, the Freedom Magazine. Discounted subscriptions until the official launch on 19 March… Subscribe today!

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